Tuesday, 20 February 2007

Interesting Celery Fact No. 9

Following in the American of tradition of providing nicknames for cities (Chicago, The Windy City, New York, the Big Apple, and Los Angeles, The Devils Armpit), Collingbourne Ducis in Wiltshire decided to call itself The Celery City, in 1978. The idea was not a success.

Interesting Celery Fact No. 161

In Rutland, England's smallest county, the eating of celery has long been associated with the gentry. So much so in fact that, in 1642, in common with many countys at the time, the eating of celery by commoners was outlawed. Rutland, however, is unusual in never having officially repealed this arcane law.

However, whilst the law remains on the statute books, it had not been used in many years, until recently. Young Macauley Fulford, 15, had received an ASBO for constant disturbances and problems with his neighbours, and the police, knowing he was breaching it in a variety of ways, were unable to catch him in the act. On Jan 17th of this year, Fulford stole large amounts of fruit and veg from his local Tesco, but was not caught, and later, paraded in front of the Police Station, brazenly chewing on the celery he had stolen, with the Police powerless to stop him, as they were unable to prove the theft. Young Macauley, however, was unaware that the Police COULD arrest him simply for EATING the celery, and quick thinking local historian PC Threbblethwaite did exactly that. Sadly, at the local magistrates court on 2nd February, Fulford was aquitted on the grounds that he was the illegitimate son of Viscount Lindlay, and therefore fully legally entitled to celery consumption.

Monday, 19 February 2007

Interesting Celery Fact No. 153

In 1920, amid spiralling inflation and burdensome war reparations, a German people at it's wits end elected a stick of celery as Mayor of Cologne.

Thursday, 15 February 2007

Polar Celery Fact # 1

The failure of Captain Robert Falcon Scott's fateful second expedition to the South Pole, with the consequent deaths of Scott and his comrades, and the loss of the Poles conquest to Amundsen was not, as widely suggested, down to his adoption of ponies rather than dogs. Neither was it, as some pseudo-intellectuals are given to suggesting, due to the English tradition of brave gentleman amateurs refusing the best advice of experienced professionals. The trouble was, in fact, related to celery.

Scott, as is well known, was a devotee of quack and quasi holy-man Sai Mpopo Om, purportedly from Tibet, who was in fact on Clive McQuaig, of Welwyn Garden City. McQuaig, who had links with one of the major celery exporters in Portugal, spent much time convincing Scott of the curative and nutritious properties of this wonder-salad-item, so much so that Scott became unshakeable in the belief that the only way to conquer the pole was by substituting celery for pemmican. Given celery's status as a negative-calory food, the pitfalls of this scheme are obvious, but there was yet one more unforseen hazard. Two of Scott's crew perished after only three days on the ice, through tripping whilst eating, and driving frozen celery through their chests. Say no to salad, kids.

Wednesday, 14 February 2007

Interesting Celery Fact No. 12

Celery fibre is the third strongest substance known to man, after spiders web, and baked on cheese. If a celery fibre the same thickness as a power line were made, it would be able to stretch between towers 18,643 miles apart without breaking.

Monday, 12 February 2007

Interesting Celery Fact No. 183

RoSISWAKAPE* today revealed in a long awaited report that celery is not a significant cause of domestic or industrial fires.

*Royal Society for the Investigation of Stuff We Already Know At Public Expense

Interesting Celery Fact No. 164

Prior to the advent of whalebone, celery fibre was widely used in corsetry, and indeed was for many years the only substance strong enough for underwiring in larger sized brassieres. Attempts to use celery fibre in stockings, or as knicker elastic, were abortive, since it cut off the circulation and caused many cases of deep vein thrombosis.

Friday, 9 February 2007

Interesting Celery Fact No. 92

Celery's remarkable curative properties are well documented, but less has been written about the use of celery as a narcotic. Whilst all celery has a significant opiate content, in most it is locked away in the undigestible portions. In the exotic Bolivian Mountain Celery, however, the opiates are stored on the surface, and can even be accessed by licking. Chewing a stick of this celery results in addiction in 2 out of 3 cases. This explains why travellers from Europe and the USA, accustomed to our cultures veneration of celery as the greatest of all foodstuffs, find the South American fear and revulsion of the plant hard to understand. Returning travellers often tell stories of local celery sellers in the street market wearing Italian suits and sunglasses.

Thursday, 8 February 2007

Interesting Celery Fact No. 173

Celery was the official 'mascot' of London Fashion Week, 1992. It was hoped that promoting the vegetable would broaden the pool of skinnier models. A resounding success for the first few years, this campaign has backfired horribly, resulting in the current 'size zero' controversy and consequent banning of the super-skinny from certain European catwalks.

Faith Based Celery Fact No. 18

There are those who hold that there is a goat, and there is a pole, and that the goat is on the pole. They believe that the goat is on the pole. The goat is always on the pole. We can never know why, but the goat will persist as will the universe. The goat on a pole is the first step and the last step, and we need nothing beyond the goat and the pole and their relative positions. Indeed, anything more is elaborate self-deception. Feel what the goat is doing and where it is relative to the pole and keep this close to your heart, and one day you may fully understand the import of this all.

Whilst not actually heretical, the primitive belief of these Goatonapolists is nothing more than a half truth. To those who truly have eyes to see, there is no pole, but only a stick of celery.

Interesting Celery Fact No. 9

If you were to fill Leyton Orient's Brisbane Road stadium with celery, up to a depth of 5 feet, that would be too much celery.

Monday, 5 February 2007

Interesting Celery Fact No. 84

Arguably celery's defining moment on the small screen came in British comedy duo Alan and Ian's famous "Celery Sketch", in 1973. Alan Couthless and Ian Itisnthoof are now better remembered for a series of daring Post Office robberies in the early 80's, but in the decade prior, they were amongst Britain's best loved light entertainers. In the Celery Sketch, Alan and Ian were seen in bed together, pyjama clad, both attempting to eat the same plate of celery. Through a series of hilarious coincedences, they both believe that the plate of celery is theirs alone, and their comical attempts to keep the plate in one place, whilst hampered by alarm clocks going off, the doorbell ringing, and a cat attempting to gain entry through the bedroom window. Alan and Ians hapless struggles and confusion appear almost balletic, set as they are to The Dance of the Sugarplum Fairy, and this heartwarming piece of feel-good nostalgia has topped Britains lists of favourite sketches ever since.

Interesting Celery Fact No. 101

In 1957 George Ffortescue-Smyth, a patient at a high security psychiatric hospital in Minnesota, used 76,328 sticks of celery to fashion a fully functioning battering ram. He formed the ram over several years by secretly smuggling both his own celery portion and that of fellow patients back to his cell and hiding the ram in sections under his bed. His escape attempt was thwarted, however, when as a result of electroshock therapy, he suffered paranoid delusions and began to consume the battering ram, believing himself to be an extremely hungry King Kong. Ffortescue-Smyth managed to eat almost 50% of the battering ram before staff found him near death, due to it's negative calorific value (see Interesting Celery Fact No. 12 - Celery and the Origins of Life on Earth).

Sunday, 4 February 2007

Interesting Celery Fact No. 1

Eskimos have 247 words for celery.

Saturday, 3 February 2007

Interesting Celery Fact No. 18

In a recent piece of consumer research, celery was ranked as the #3 cause of concussion in UK adults. The research suggests this is primarily caused by the relatively modern combination of double glazing, and single parents living alone. It would appear that, under the triple stress of trying to lose weight, look after their children, and regain the interest of their partners, and lose weight, single mothers have taken in fits of pique, to throwing their celery out of the window. Sadly, the rise in green homes has meant that windows are increasingly unbreakable, resulting in a rash of concussions caused by Celery Rebound. ROSPA will be launching an advertising campaign to combat the use of celery forthwith .

Friday, 2 February 2007

Interesting Celery Fact No. 119

Celery fibres are 27.4% stronger than spider's silk, despite being 11% thinner. This is, however, difficult to demonstrate in everyday practice, as individual celery fibres corrode rapidly on contact with human skin.

Thursday, 1 February 2007

Interesting Celery Fact No. 15

The use of celery as a building material was pioneered by architect Simon Inchpractise, of Penge. Simon began experimenting with a celery shed in the summer of 1978, and claims now to have solved all of the durability and longevity concerns linked with celery. By baking the celery into bricks, Inchpractise claims to have created a product with all the strength of bricks, but all the charm and nutrition of celery. The move from raw celery to the "celery brick" took place after the notorious events of 1987, when the Midland Bank, keen to establish it's green credentials, commissioned Inchpractise to build their new headquarters from celery. Unfortunately, the "Griffin Celery Tower", as the building was known, collapsed on the first day, causing severe chafing to the occupants, particularly those who had been on the 53rd floor.

Midland were later taken over by the Hong Kong and Shanghai bank, never having recovered from this disaster. Analysts believe that Midland overreached themselves in an attempt to innovate and lead, combining the Celery Tower initiative with attempts to establish a new financial district along the lines of Canary Wharf, but in Uttoxeter.

Interesting Celery Fact No. 965

The original storyboard concept for The A Team called for "Hannibal" Smith to be chewing a stick of celery, rather than smoking a cigar, throughout the shows. The switch was made because celery was percieved to be "too cliched", in light of it's frequent association to on-screen hardmen. The choice to go for the cigar is now seen as the starting point for celery's decline as the masticant of choice for movie gangsters and renegades.

Interesting Celery Fact No. 1,975

Celery is officially Britains noisiest food, and that's official! This was confirmed last night by the Governments Chief Scientist, Richard Hammond.